I never wanted to ever project anything but positivity into the world whilst we go through one of the scariest and uncertain moments of our time. But I must admit week 2&3 of lockdown are proving to be a much more difficult and emotional battle than that of week 1. And it seems many of us are feeling the same way.
During week one I managed to busy myself with creativity. Setting myself a challenge to create two pieces of content each day. I like goals and this relatively achieveable goal gave me something to get up for and to aim for each day. I busied myself with self shooting, with creating IGTV videos and documenting my day on Instagram stories hoping it would bring you some positivity too. Which I know from the lovely messages I’ve had that it did in fact help a great deal of you.
So I’m really quite disappointed in myself that this week I’m unable to share such positivity. I’m bored, I’m frustrated and I’m frightened.
It’s always tempting to follow such a statement with “I know I’m lucky and things could be much worse” but I’m learning that I’m entitled to feel those things as we navigate such uncertain and scary times and so are you!
Work has been put on hold for me and for the majority of us so it’s difficult to know how to fill our days and to in turn keep our chins up. I’ve completed jigsaw puzzle after jigsaw puzzle, I’ve FaceTimed everyone I love countless times a week, I’ve cooked, made cocktails, read a book and created many-a-piece of content and now I’m unsure what is left to do other than to clean my house, again for the third time this week...
We have many more weeks of lockdown left, possibly even months if those bean heads who think it’s okay to sunbathe in parks don’t pack it in (!!!) and the to-do list is getting shorter as it gets ticked off quickly every day. George and I sat down this afternoon and set down some ideas and plans for the house, things we can do that doesn’t require going out, ordering too much online or the help of others, so I think that will help us out and certainly keep us busy.
I’ve also got an easel on its way so I can finally give painting a crack, something I’m really looking forward to I must say. I’m working on a couple more playlists as I was truly thrilled and humbled with how many of you got in touch to say how much the last playlist brightened your day. Please know your messages brightened my day too.
I miss my Nanna terribly and despite calling her every other day, it’s not enough. Man I wish she had WiFi and a phone that enabled video call. She’s “bored shitless” her words, not mine (gotta love her) and whilst I’m having puzzles and DVD’s sent to her house it breaks my heart that we can’t visit.
I miss my family and my friends and I worry about my dad every day as he continues working as a key worker. When the sun shines it brightens my mood ten fold, but it also makes the reality of this much harder as I know that the first signs of sun would normally call for garden parties, BBQ’s and beers with our loved ones. But I’m so grateful for the sun and to have a garden. I’ll never ever take that for granted.
Music, food, alcohol and styling are bringing joy daily so it’s not all bad. And George, I’m forever thankful to have such an incredible man in my life. A person that makes me cry laugh every day, that dances with me in the kitchen. Gives me fun tasks to do to take my mind off things. That makes his own brioche buns from scratch because I’m craving a hot dog but we don’t have any bread in. Who puts his hand on my leg when he knows I’m struggling but don’t want to talk. I’m thankful to have someone I never get bored of in these boring times. And right on que, as I’m writing this in the garden George shouts an expletive as he drops something in the kitchen, an expletive too vulgar for the blog and I’m cry laughing once again.
Basically what I’m saying is that we’re all going through this together, the ups and the downs. For every up that you see on Instagram, remember that almost every day around 3pm I’ll have a low. A low because I’ve let myself scroll through news article after news article and the reality hits home all over again.
I’m a positive person by nature and I want everything I do to bring some light to you, and I’m even hoping by writing this slightly negative blogpost that it might leave you feeling less alone in this? I don’t know, but I do hope so.
Staying positive doesn’t mean you have to be happy all the time. It means that even on hard days you know that better days are coming.
Sending lots of love and light to you and yours.
Izzy Matias says
Thank you for being honest with us. I can’t remember where I first saw this statement, but I think it’s so true for this time: “It’s okay to not feel /be okay.” It’s uncertain times indeed. Don’t feel pressured to create content if you don’t feel like it. I think it’s normal that a lot of us are feeling unmotivated lately. What’s important is to focus on healing & resting. One of my best friends is a doctor and I worry about her too every day. I don’t know what else to do except to pray for her safety and check on her if she has enough protective gear/food/how she’s doing. I’ve stopped watching the news–I only get updates from Twitter or Instagram–and it’s helped though at times I’m torn between staying informed and keeping my mental peace. Sending you lots of love and positivity, Megan. I really hope things will be better soon. 🤗I hope you and your family stay safe and healthy!
Megan Ellaby says
Oh Izzy, you’re soso right. You always talk such sense, thank you.
Sending love to you and your friend. xx
Hi Megan, thank you for writing this. It has helped me, I’m sure it’ll help many others and I hope it helped you to vocalise all this. Your Instagram stories and content creation have really been cheering me up and I look forward to them every day, so thank you so much for creating them. I feel similar to you this week, and wondering when will it end… I am also very lucky in many of the same ways as you but it’s still difficult at times. I’ve found not reading the news really, really helps – I’ve asked my partner to keep me updated on things that are essential for me to know, but that’s it. It’s been so good so I really recommend that. Another thing I found that helps me is to write down a list of things to do to shift my mood, so that when I start feeling down, I can look at that list and pick something. As part of that, I have a list of blogs/articles that I like/creators that I like and I find scrolling through their past (or if I’m lucky enough, new) content really inspiring. You are on that list, as well as Haarkon’s blog, Luke Edward Hall’s Instagram, Charlotte Bland’s Instagram and the Guardian’s weekly pick of articles that are not about the current situation. That way I am still informed and learning, but about other things. I can also recommend Dakota Johnson’s home tour, as filmed by Architectural Digest on Youtube. Other things on my list include going for a cycle (I recently bought a bike and it’s been a fun challenge to build up stamina on it) or run in the park at golden hour (that way I have something to look forward at the end of my day), watering all the plants + repotting some, learning more about arranging flowers/bouquets, planning little surprises for and sending gifts to friends, or doing a doorstep drop on my cycle, … it goes on! Sending you so much love and strength Megan xxx
Megan Ellaby says
Oh WOW Gabrielle thank you ever so much for your truly beautiful comment, it’s really made me smile.
I love all your suggestions for getting a dose of good vibes, thank you. I love Luke Edward Hall’s Instagram too and will for sure check out some of the others. I’ve been meaning to look at Dakota Johnsons home tour with AD for some time so I’ll certainly be making a list, like yours, for things to take a nosey at when boredom strikes.
Thank you soso much x
Keep the insta stories coming! The relationship fun, the home Reno inspo and the books! Sharing a little piece of you- helps us feel like we are chatting to others and seeing out of our 4 walls!
You have always been a colourful rainbow of fashion… now is your time to shine that love on the rest of the world! What you are doing helps…. thank you xxxx
Hi Megan, it’s definitely comforting to hear that everyone is going through the same thing at the moment. Gratitude for the people around you and that you’re healthy and safe is what I’m hanging onto at the moment. I know you try to project positivity but it’s okay (and even important) to be vulnerable online sometimes. 🙂 xx Charli P.S. you forgot to link your look, would love to know where your pink pants are from! <3