I simply don't know what to say.
I'm numb. I can't do anything without my thoughts going back to this terrifying reality. My beautiful hometown of Manchester was bombed.
It pains me to write this. I didn't think I was going to, but I have SO many words, so many thoughts that I'm struggling to comprehend, so I had to write. Writing is the only thing that allows my mind to be free, heck, I may not ever share this, but I just have to write, through eyes full of tears, I just have to say something about the most incredible place in the world, Manchester.
I didn't know that your heart could break multiple times in one day. I didn't realise that your heart could break multiple times for people you didn't know. And I didn't know that your heart could break for a whole city. I've never felt anything like this, sadness deep within the pit of me. Fear for my city and this beautiful country and pain for the families and friends of those affected.
Today, Wednesday 24th May, news about who those 22 beautiful people who were cruelly taken away is beginning to hit, we're hearing names, seeing faces of those who have been taken away in such a terrible way and I cannot shake the tears, the emptiness, the goosebumps, the heart ache.
Whilst none of them affected me directly the pain I feel is no less. I cry every time I hear of murder, of terrorism in any part of the world and in the press, I cry for those who left for work, for a concert, for those that never got the chance to return home. But when this happens somewhere so close to home, and quite literally just 10 minutes away from my home, our home, mine and George's and my families home, it really is like nothing else I've ever felt.
I'm struggling to do anything but cry right now. I have a to-do list as long as my arm but none of it seems important, relevant or indeed worthy at this time. I've cancelled meetings and photo shoots, I've postponed videos, blog posts and sponsored content, none of that matters right now and currently, I can't see when it will seem like it matters again.
I know it will one day. It has to, these monsters cannot win and will not win. Our city of Manchester and our strong and courageous country will fight back, with love, the way we have seen from Manchester this week.
Whilst this is the saddest thing I've ever experienced in my life, here in Manchester, I've never felt more proud of this city than I do right now. The press we have seen about the good natured people of Manchester, the selfless acts of kindness, the love and the unity, has blown me away. It's something I've always known and loved about Manchester, how strong and united we are, but this week I'm more proud and in love with my city than ever before.
It's been hard to see those around me, on social media, continue with business as usual, and I have to say I've unfollowed a few people who I deemed "thoughtless" "self centred" and down right "rude" this week, but I don't blame them (and have since re-followed them). I know the world won't stop turning and I know we need to keep on keeping on, that everyone has there own way of dealing with things, but it doesn't work that way for me, and many others around me.
I attended the vigil in Manchester last night (23rd May) with my dad. I was nervous and scared to be walking the streets of Manchester, even that felt disrespectful, but what I saw at Alberts Square, in front of our beautiful town hall, completely and utterly knocked me for six. Thousands of proud Mancunians united together. We stood together, as one, as a united front against terrorism, against these ghastly, inhuman monsters that cruelly take from us. We stood, a mass of different ages, different races and religions listening to all that is great about Manchester, not that we didn't know it already, but this poem, from Tony Walsh offered some light in the darkness that I would urge you all the listen to.
Manchester really is a truly incredible city full of truly unbelievable people and I am so totally proud to be one of them. I'm also SO proud and completely humbled by all of your beautiful emails, comments and private messages offering your thoughts and love for me, my loved ones and for my city. I didn't realise how impactful my love of Manchester had been for so many of you; Allowing you to fall in love with my city without having set foot in it, that makes me insanely proud to my core, so thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts with me, it offered some light in such a dark time.
And it is, Manchester is the best city in the word, it's full of the most incredible, kind, thoughtful and hilarious people, it's full of some of the most beautiful of architecture, has created some of the best music of all time, we have two of the best football clubs in the world, we're home to Emmeline Pankhurst, we invented the computer, the atomic theory and the first ever canal. We're a city of history, of heritage and we're SO proud of that. Nothing and nobody will ever break us, albeit they try, and we will cry and we will mourn, but we'll listen to the words of Tony Walsh, of Morrissey, of the Gallagher Brothers and we'll keep on keeping on as Primal Scream once said.
I've sat, for the past two days scrolling Twitter and countless news websites, with the news on the television behind me prowling for updates, a woman obsessed with knowing everything that has happened and trying to understand why, but of course, there are no words, there are no answers to the question of "why", it is something we will never be able to comprehend.
Children and parents, young people, WHY THEM!? It's a question I will have forever more, along with everyone around the world, why did you pick such vulnerable people? It's evil in it's highest form and it's something we will never truly get over.
This scrolling with an aim lark is doing me no good, I've broken down four times already today and it's only 1130am, but I can't stop. I wish I had an office to go to, a place to go where I could sit and talk about my feelings to my colleagues, but instead I'm alone with just my keyboard. And thats why I'm writing this today.
It's a little bit later now, 14:29 to be precise. I had to stop writing as it all got a bit too much.
I've since had chance to calm down but still find myself moping around the flat. Clothes and fashion just seem so irrelevant right now. I've busied myself tidying and listening to the best of Manchester bands, a playlist I made and have since added to. There's not been a moment today, where a helicopter hasn't circled above our flat, it's frightening really, but also highly reassuring. Operation Temperer is well and truly underway and it's scary but as I've said, there is some reassurance in the increase of security.
I've cancelled today's video, which has been taken well so far. However someone has advised to not let this affect my schedule and whilst I understand that, it's simply too soon for me right now and I bet for many others out there. Hauls, OOTD's and new handbags can wait a few more days, thats for sure.
I can't think of anything but what has happened. Whenever I think I'm doing okay, something pops up on the news or on Twitter to remind me and set me back a few steps. It's funny how I feel like I'm being overdramatic, I feel guilty for feeling this way when so many people have been affected tens, thousands of times worse than I. But as I've said, we all deal with things differently and despite moping, I have plans to help in other ways.
One of the many things that keeps replaying in my mind is how many times, as a child, I went to the MEN Arena for concerts, whether it was Steps or Spice Girls or in later years Justin Timberlake and McFly, where my parents, like those affected this week, would wait in the foyer area to take us home. The MEN Arena is part of many a Mancunian's history and it's so heartbreaking that those memories are now plagued with pain.
Since writing the above, I've been to London, which really helped. I was able to busy myself in other ways but never without Manchester in my heart and my phone in my hand, relentlessly checking the news for updates.
Friday was hard and I embarrassingly but understandably wanted to get extremely drunk in order to not feel or think anything anymore. But when I attended The Courtneeners show on Saturday night, I finally felt peace. 50,000 people turned up to the show of which Cabbage, Blossoms, The Charlatans and of course The Courteeners performed, it was overwhelming to see such a united front. Thousands of people who weren't scared, who didn't cancel plans, who turned up, who danced, sang along to Manchester favourites and who loved one another. It was exactly what I needed and I am SO glad I went along with my mum and my sister. It was a beautiful night to be part of Manchester and whilst we still cried for those who have lost, we stood together, sang our hearts out and showed terrorism the middle finger, and boy did it feel great.
Whilst I don't think I'll ever get over what has happened to our city and there will always be pain in my heart for those who have lost, I'm feeling stronger, I'm feeling proud of my city and I'm feeling determined to make a difference, to help in anyway I can, watch this space.
Manchester I love you. And I love you all, my readers, viewers and my friends for being so supportive during this awful time.
Fuck you terrorism, you won't break us.
x M
Megs, you literally made me cry, I can relate to this in so many aspects! You are incredible, so authentic, honest and strong yet vulnerable and delicate and you should never, ever be afraid or embarrassed of your feelings or emotions as they make you who you are. They make this wonderful human being we all love, don’t try to neglect what makes you you, embrace it instead. You’re amazing girl, don’t you ever forget that!
And I agree, it’s been a nightmare of a week. For the first couple of days I was just glued to my computer screen obsessively looking for the news, for each tiny detail which might have gone unnoticed, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I was just living in a reality parallel to the comfort of my home. And my heart was breaking into pieces with every new face of a beautiful person just announced dead, with every desperate social media appeal to find someone which led to the tragic ending. None of these has affected me directly but I thought of the gigs I’ve attended and the knowledge that it could have happen to any of us… it’s just unbearable. It is beyond imagination to try to understand how it feels to wait for your mum and dad, brother, sister, daughter to come back home safe and sound only to realise that they never will. It’s not just another sad statistics on the news channel, it’s the tragedy that touched me like nothing before, leaving so many tears, so much anger and all those questions in my head.
And like you, I couldn’t understand how people can still post their fancy outfits, new haircuts and brunch photos just after the “I ❤️ MCR” picture. Right, if you live far away it doesn’t probably affect you to that extend but UK bloggers?! I couldn’t get my head around it that ‘business’ and ‘online presence’ seemed more important than a bit of respect to people losing lives in such a tragic way. But then again, who am I to judge? Who am I to think I’m any better because I didn’t care about my perfect flat lay at that moment? It just doesn’t make any difference. It won’t bring those beautiful souls back. What it brings instead it’s anger instead of solidarity and now more than ever we need to show the world we’re united.
Now after over a week I somehow managed to find my piece of mind. It doesn’t mean it all doesn’t matter anymore, no. I’m just learning how to carry on with life. I turned my anger into strength and put together all the pieces of my broken heart. I learnt my lesson to appreciate each moment and those I can share it with. I learnt to celebrate life and “don’t look back in anger”.
Thank you Hun for all those beautiful words and your Manchester list, they definitely make it easier to stay strong and put myself through the day. I’m not a Mancunian but all my love goes to you up there and I am proud and thankful to be able to live among so many wonderful humans in the most beautiful country on the planet.
Lots of love,
Mal Xx
What an incredibly moving, heartfelt post. Such lovely words. It’s so hard to find the words to say, it’s still so utterly heartbreaking and I can’t imagine how much harder it must be to see it happen to your home town. However, the display of solidarity and strength has been absolutely amazing. What a courageous community Manchester has! <3
Josie x
This post really touched me. So beautifully written and honest; it’s still baffling and heartbreaking whenever I think about it. I’m not from Manchester but I visited for the first time not long ago, and I felt so at home and comfortable as everyone was so warm and lovely. Such a beautiful city and such beautiful spirited people coming together to show their respects, really shows how amazing of a city Manc is. Keep smiling, Meg. Sending all the love XXXX
I keep trying to find the words to say whenever I talk about this subject with family or friends, but like you I feel numb. I’m not from Manchester, but I’m a Northerner through and though (no matter what my geographical location is) and I’ve made so many wonderful memories in that city that I still can’t comprehend what happened.
This sick behaviour really hits home when it’s happening to a place so close to home and that holds such importance to you. My first concert was at the MEN Arena, I was 5 years old and I saw Steps, it was the most magical night of my life at that time and I can’t even imagine how many kids attended their first show there last week and left with tarnished memories, or some not at all. I think of all the other times that I forgot about the world at shows there and feel lucky to remember them.
Nothing can erase what happened, or stop that deep routed pain, and I feel for you so much because when I think of you, I think of Manchester, and I know so many others do too.
Terrorism can fuck itself, it has no place among love and it won’t break us apart.
I’m so proud to see the united front Manchester have shown, it’s been incredible.
Love ya Megs xxx
❤️ Thank you,
Beautiful post, and just what I needed to read. I’m from Huddersfield and Manchester is so close to my heart with my family and friends being from there and I too feel heartbroken and helpless. So thankful you and you’re loved ones are okay. Fuck terrorism indeed, keep being you. ?
Hey Megan,
That’s such a lovely post. You sound so sad, you’re such a lovely, genuine individual who really cares about the world (not just fashion). I respect, and love how deeply empathetic you are towards these terrible situations, and your grounded emotions make you really in touch with real life tragedies. I always loved visiting Manchester when I had a lovely Mancunian bf who lived up there. Such a vibrant place with folk being so loving and approachable, seems hard to swallow and accept that it was a target for such atrocity. I’m from London, but have been living in Vancouver Canada for the past 3 years. I plan to settle back to London because I miss my family terribly, but I’m honestly terrified of what’s around the corner and feel deep sadness every time I think of the anguish and pain of others – myself being the sensitive Cancer doesn’t help combat the tears. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, easier said than done, but we have to stand up and face the moment, enjoy the life that we get to live and not let these cruel heartless so and so’s get the better of us.
*mixed emotions and feeling here*
Take care and hope you get back into the flow of things, (after the ‘mourning’ run).
xoxo
I’m honestly in tears. This post was so beautiful but yet so heartbreaking. I can’t understand how someone could do something so cruel. Thank you so much for speaking about it Megan, thank you so much for expressing yourself and being so strong. I feel so hopeless living in Australia, not knowing how to help with everything that happened in Manchester. Next time I return to England Manchester is my first stop – after what happened I thought I’d never want to go, but the community and love the city has shown the world has made me want to go there more than ever. Once again thank you so much for being so open and sharing raw things. Sending so much love. X
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