Here's a post that I've been putting off writing for some time.
Mainly due to the fact that I simply don't know how to write it.
I don't really know what causes my issues with confidence and tbh it makes me feel quite vulnerable to say this out loud.
Some people don't think I should put this part of me out there (hi mum), heck, I, myself am doubting whether I should put this out there.
But a part of me thinks that it could help someone in some way.
I spend my days taking photograph after photograph of myself and my life, putting my best self out there on the internet for all to see, to critique, to admire; but thats just it, it's my best self.
Really, I'm just a very normal twenty-four year old Mancunian girl who's trying to better herself and her family, pave her way in the world and sometimes struggles to stay afloat.
However, my Instagram and my blog portrays a girl who has her shit together (most of the time) a girl who knows what she wants and how to get it, albeit a girl with a dirty sense of humour and a northern accent, but that isn't something a girl can hide all too easily.
However, something I can hide is how I struggle, almost every single day with self confidence.
Confidence and insecurities is something I've battled with for the majority of my life, from the latter years of primary school and throughout high school... Especially at high school.
I felt like I got my shit together and things began to balance out a little once I got to college and university, however since leaving university and tackling the big bad world of adulthood, I feel I've slipped into my old ways and it's something that, quite frankly annoys the living daylights out of me!
Issues with confidence isn't really something you can explain. And it's certainly not something I like having. It's an inner battle, something that others struggle to comprehend and accept. Especially when my job essentially involves being uber confident and putting myself out there to the masses.
In my latest Question & Answer video I touched upon how someone had asked how I manage to put myself out there yet still be self conscious.
I get it, totally, these two things usually don't go hand in hand.
However, fashion is my passion.
It's what I've always loved since I was a little girl playing "fashion designers" with my younger sister, and growing up watching my mum create the most incredible wedding dresses on her little sewing machine in our spare bedroom. It's what I've studied from the age of 11-21 and it's what I've always, always wanted to do. I absorb myself in the world of fashion, with my online presence, attending fashion week and keeping up with the fashion press both online and in print. It's the only thing I am totally confident in! I know my stuff and therefore come across as super confident with it, because I am confident with it and I completely and utterly believe in myself.
My styling too, it's a little out there at times and that is one thing that always makes me feel at my most confident.
When I'm feeling my outfit it shows. Sometimes the louder the outfit the more confident I feel, which I know to some is barmy, but it's just where my strengths lie and I like to work to those strengths.
However, as soon as I'm out of that little bubble of talking and writing about clothes and styling, in real life, well thats where I falter.
Large crowds and the unknown are two things that knock my confidence.
If I walk into a new place that is crowded with people, I turn into a little mouse version of myself. I wish I could walk in with my head held high and like I own the place (words my momma has always instilled in me) but it's just not me. I'm a person with a very positive outlook on life for the most part, however if theres a crowd of people and they just so happen to be looking at me, I'll instantly think the worst, translating their looks as cruelty or judgement and I truly, truly wish I didn't.
Chances are they're looking at my shoes or discussing how they like my hair, but it's the 14 year old Megan who was bullied throughout high school that speaks to me and interprets their stares as nastiness.
It's easy to say, "Let Them Stare" which is my mantra when it comes to styling, however in a crowded room with individual groups of guys and gals each looking at me, it's a struggle for me to take my own advice; it's hard for me to believe that they are simply looking and admiring today's colourful get-up, instead I truly believe they're picking me apart, retracting me back into my shell and usually ends with me hiding behind George.
It's something I'm forever working on and forever striving to overcome, but honestly I'm not too sure that it will ever truly disappear, but hey I'll keep on doing me, absorbing up everything fashion has to offer and wearing the most bold and colourful get-ups in the meantime as that's one vice that never fails to help me out.
The reason I wanted to share this with you was partly for myself, in the hope that it may be rather therapeutic to write and give me a kick up the bum to overcome this issue, but mainly for those of you out there who may be going through the same thing. I'd love to chat with you and perhaps we can come up with some ways to kick self doubt and insecurities to the curb!?
I'd really love to document my little journey to self confidence on the blog and would love your help with any tips and tricks you've picked up along the way? 'Cause surely I'm not the only one who goes through this kind of thing right?
I have my own little coping mechanisms too, a few things that help me out and I'd love to share them with you, but until then let's swap idea's, tips and tricks and of course, as always lots of love to dismiss these insecurities once and for all!
I want you all to know that despite seeming confident online, thats my forte, fashion is my passion, it's what I have a degree in and studied for the majority of my life, so of course I'm confident when talking about it. I want you to know that I'm totally human, I'm just me, a normal girl with insecurities just like you. What you often see on the outside isn't always reflected on the inside.